its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
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A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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