Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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