now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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