Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
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I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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