I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
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My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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