Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize