Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she pinky promised me she was 18
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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