I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize