We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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