did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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