im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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