I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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