I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
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Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
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STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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