you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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