the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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