I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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