I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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