I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
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she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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