So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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