"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
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Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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