He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just had sex on a roof
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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