Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
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This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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