i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
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you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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