you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize