Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
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We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
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Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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