Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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