She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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