Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
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After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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