So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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