I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
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I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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