I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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