Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
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No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
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She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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