Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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