It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
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