I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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