I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
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I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
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Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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