And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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