i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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