new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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