I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
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I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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