I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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