Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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