If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
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she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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