I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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