Kiss
Puke
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
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That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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