I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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