found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
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They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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