I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
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I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
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We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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