I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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