Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
is it fun? or sober?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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